So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
