I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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