I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
