Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
