The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
