ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
there is glitter all over my balls
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
