Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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