On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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