I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
