I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
