Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
a search helicopter?!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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