Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
