I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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