my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
