Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
True strength comes from lack of pants
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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