I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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