Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
