May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
