Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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