Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
