pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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