Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
