your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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