You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
