Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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