I'm drive I can fine osifer
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
