Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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