I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I love having hate sex.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
