I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
