They should really pass out barf bags in church
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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