How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This is my gift to your gina
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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