You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize