does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize