can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
