She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize