He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
