im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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