I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You're like the curious george of whores
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
