How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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