he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize