help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
