Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
i've created a new STD.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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