I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
