Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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