On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
