The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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