you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize