If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
