enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
