your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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