I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
