Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
