I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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