Please don't use social media to get back at me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize