there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
