She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
