dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
